A Different Approach


As I type this post I am shaking…

I am not a scary person. I trust my abilities and I have faith in myself. I like to think of myself as brave. Yet, when it comes to my children there are times that I lose complete confidence in myself.

I have fears that are beyond my control. I fear they are not happy. I fear that there may be issues with their health due to the exposure of harsh chemicals, contaminated food and lack of care from people who do not think like me. I suffer from “nobody can care for my babies like me” syndrome. That thought process traps me into a prison of fear and worries. Those worries create anxiety and over protectiveness. I fear that even when I am giving my absolute best that I am not doing enough.

Recently, my daughter had been struggling in school. She wasn’t making good choices. Her selection of friends had changed.  It had been all of a sudden and I was not sure what to do. I was praying, trying to speak positive words into her and trying to resist from yelling and screaming at her. I did that one day and she gave me a blank stare. That let me know that nothing I was saying, penetrated.

“I have to have confidence that one day it will click. I have to have confidence that my children will trust that I have their best interest at heart.”

I had to regroup at work the next day,  and think of a completely different approach.  What can I say without intimidating and belittling her? How can I relate to her and build her up? I was also 11 years old trying to figure out life just like her. Except, I had my dad in the household and he was not incarcerated. I had went through puberty and it was scary. Except, I did not have so much vulgar social media flashed in my face daily. I did understand though how it felt to watch my body transform from a little girl to a young woman. The fear and curiosity I felt when I began to notice men looking at me different.

Why were they watching me like that and why was mommy becoming more protective of me?

I began hearing conversations from my friends that I was uncomfortable and intrigued with at the same time. I was no Saint and even though I want the absolute best for my children, I had to be honest. The truth is: they are growing up and they are going to make mistakes just like I did, it is inevitable.  

My approach in the house had become Absolute Dictator and that was not going to work anymore. I had to get on her level, talk in her language and let her know that I understand. For me, that was tough because I still want to make sure that I am maintaining the respect level while being relatable. I had to figure out a way to explain that I still remember when I was her age, but I understand what she is facing.  It is amazing how changing your delivery gets more results. I have to have confidence that one day it will click. I have to have confidence that my children will trust that I have their best interest at heart. Things are getting better and I believe a healing transformation is on its way after this life learning curve. In the meantime, I will uplift, protect, encourage and build up my children until my heart stops beating.

From a Mom who only wants the best…

-Tahnee Cole


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